Imagine ordering ice cream and asking the server for "whatever you think I'd like."
You wouldn't. Not many life choices are as lightweight as choosing ice cream. In a divorce, what you choose and how you make choices or don't make them is central to creating a future you love.
Your long-term wellbeing needs you to make active decisions about divorce, the process, the kids, the money, etc. There is no perfect solution in most divorce cases, and no choice will be right or wrong. What will help you come to negotiations with courage and self-esteem is that you've actively chosen your requirements, you have made decisions about your longer-term vision, and you have communicated them as a credible client.
When you chose to postpone the activity involved in making choices, you'll likely experience more significant stress, depression, discouragement, and perhaps become physically ill.
While it is hard to fathom the work involved with ending a relationship, actively doing it will boost your energy, confidence, and resilience. You don't have to do this alone. I am not a big fan of involving family and friends to make decisions. However, merely putting a voice to your thoughts with them may help you sort things out. Writing your options out will help you gain clarity. Seeking objective and expert advice is an excellent way to make sure you're asking yourself all the right questions. Giving yourself space to stand back (emotionally or physically) may help you see reality more clearly (as opposed to wishful thinking).
Remaining stuck or paralyzed by the fear of making a choice is the same as not making a choice. A few ways of getting past the fear is to consider there are no wrong decisions. Susan Jeffers, the author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, wrote, "There is no such thing as a bad decision. Each path is strewn with opportunities, despite the outcome".
It may be hard to see all the opportunities that await you at the beginning of a divorce. However, many of the choices you make will have a profound effect on your future. Taking responsibility for your choices, and actively making decisions will put you on the road to self-esteem, confidence, and freedom.
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